Reinvention of Thyself

Have you ever wanted to recreate yourself? It’s scary and difficult and frustrating isn’t it? Change is brutal but necessary. Sometimes you aren’t really given a choice.
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5 years today… How has it been 5 years since Robbie died? Since my soul was ripped in half and unspeakable pain enveloped me.
I decided recently that in order to love life again, I must change how I look at the pain and adversity in my life. Afterall, without these challenges I would never have discovered my inner warrior. How strong the human spirit really is. I get up everyday and fight through the hurt and exhaustion. Some days I get knocked down, some days I win but every day I MUST show up and fight.

I’ve decided I need an attitude adjustment. More specifically a perspective adjustment.

I must change my way of thinking...
From: ‘I don’t know how to do this/my dreams are gone/I’ll just plug along until my number is up’
To: ‘I get a clean slate to create whatever life I want. What do I want? What does God want for me?’

Now, that looks easy in text but whew, it’s hard.

Every time I try to think about what I love doing, what I want, what God wants for me, what is best for me. I think of him. Robbie always seemed to love the same things as me and he always did what was best for me. No matter how mad I got, he would have stood up to me and said no, this is what you need. That’s love- doing what is best for someone else no matter what it costs you.

It has taken years for the grief and pain associated with loss to be less radioactive. It’s still there and I miss him constantly but I am stronger now. Like I’ve built up the muscle to carry that cross. I feel God reassuring me that it’s time to metamorphosize... to find a better perspective... to look at it from a fresh angle. God has given me a re-do. As painful as that truth is, no matter how much I don’t want it, it's still true.

My life has taken a totally different path now. That old me died with Robbie.

What road should I take now? If I’m forced into overhauling, why not make it awesome?! Why not create a life MORE beautiful than my old life?!? It's a choice, it's time to make it. Do you need to make a choice too?

2020 has been scary. It has been upside down and backwards but it has helped me think about my priorities. To bring the vision of my life into 20/20 and “see” more clearly in 2020.
Now I realize I need to change my view to: Lord, with you nothing is wasted. My pain will be used to serve others. God will make a way for me to do that and build a beautiful new life. I GET TO create a new wild adventure and dare to dream greatly. I GET TO live with a heightened sense of purpose and urgency. It's time to act. To decide what dreams are the same as God’s for me and to load my bow and keep firing until I have no arrows left. Until I’ve left nothing undone.

“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people just exist”
​– Oscar Wilde

Go live friends! Don’t just exist. If you need to change your life, start taking steps to do it. Love deeply, forgive, stay in the moment and fight to make your big bold dreams reality. If Gods behind you, you are unstoppable! You might fall but He will carry you when you collapse.

Robbie, someday we are going to dance together again, laugh about how many 2x4 upside-the-head moments it took to get me to heaven and that I managed to learn to rope without you. I’m going to train your horse and get better than you so I can kick your butt when I get there... Just because… That’s how I roll. You will laugh and proudly concede saying something like, “that’s my girl.” I love you as much as always. I know how proud you are of the girls because I am too. Send me helpers to lighten the load and show me the way. Bend God’s ear and to help me find the right road a little faster ok? Until we dance again- Godspeed.
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Love Always,
Maria